Remembering Andrea

I don't even know where to start, and I still really don't think I have the right words to describe how I feel.

Throughout the years, decades even, I have lost people dear to me to many causes. I don't think I've really ever cried so hard since my grandfather passed away in 2001. I understand that sometimes, our loved-ones will go before us, and I always keep in mind that finally they are at peace. It also doesn't really help that I am not a very empathic person, that's how my brain is wired. Before you ask, yes I do feel sadness and hurt, but it's just not as painful, for lack of better words.

This time, it is a little... different.

I met Andrea four years ago, when I got the new role I applied for and joined the team where she was already part of. It was the beginning of COVID, and we were already working from home. I never had the chance to see her in person, and we pretty much talked through our work chat.

Andrea and I were eventually selected to join a new team, and we talked a little bit more often than we used to. She was always positive, and even if she wasn't so thrilled with what's going on, she doesn't really complain or dwell in negativity. She found ways to uplift you, and be supportive even when things at work were hard. She was definitely a great colleague.

See, I didn't really make friends at work since I moved here because last time I was involved with some people, there was always drama ensuing all around. I didn't want that so I figured I would stay away from people best I can. I don't like drama, I don't have the social and emotional energy for that. I didn't add anyone in my new team on Facebook.

On days that I called in sick, Andrea would sometimes text me asking if I was okay. One day, she randomly asked me if I wanted a coop. I know I mentioned to her before that I really wanted to have chickens, but I haven't gotten started and was still trying to convince my Bear. Of course, I said yes, I wanted a coop! Andrea said, well come on over and get it. It's free and I could meet her chickens. So I did.

I came home with a new chicken coop, a rooster peck (not so hard), and a new Facebook friend. Andrea was the other chicken lady at work. I met her in person for the first time. She was welcoming and her home was lovely. She introduced her silkies to me, told me not to give them chocolate because her brother's chickens died from eating chocolate cake. I later realized, and asked her, if she knew the ladies who sat adjacent to my desk when I was still with my previous team. I remembered, there was this lady who talked about her chickens on her way home. She would stop by the ladies on the other side of my desk. Yes, it was most likely her, because one of her friends did sit on that section at the office.

I really regret not taking a photo when I was over Andrea's house. We talked for a bit, and resumed our regular day as I left. We still worked from home, and I didn't get to see her anymore. We maintained a good friendship but mostly through chat and texts.  We shared stories of our vacations and plans, she shared her stories of her pets and her kids. She was very proud of her husband and her children, and what they have accomplished.

I really regret that I didn't reach out to have a glass of wine or go out for dinner at some point. I don't really go out at all, but I should've asked her out, I really should've reached out.

One day, Andrea told us she wasn't feeling too well.  I didn't think much of it. Probably no one did at the time. We all get sick, we all get stomach bug, a cold, a flu, a headache. We have a stressful job, and I'm sure a lot of times it doesn't help recovering from getting sick. Until one day, we learned that she was not coming back to work for an indefinite period. We learned that she was ill, and that she was going through treatment.

Andrea was a fighter, she was strong and she wanted to live. My colleagues and myself wanted to meet up with her and was hoping to see her on the first weekend of February. She politely declined, and I texted her that Friday, the 31st - hoping that maybe if she responds, I can at least visit her myself. I know some people are private, and I tend to keep to myself. I didn't want to barge into someone's space. But maybe I should've. It has been bugging me.

Andrea didn't respond. I learned on Saturday that she departed the day prior.

There are so many people greatly affected by this loss, and I can only imagine the what her family and closest friends are going through. This person, who I really didn't spend that much time with, has impacted my life in such a way that here I am still grieving and crying. I am mourning this loss very hard, why does such a wonderful, caring, loving and positive person leave us so soon? I just don't understand.

I attended the visitation prior her funeral service last night. I met with her family, and met her two children for the first time. Her daughter said she knew me, and that Andrea always talked about me. I am glad that I made her smile, somehow. And I truly regret not seeing her again. There is so much guilt in my heart right now. My only comfort is that I know her family loved her so much, and she has so many great friends who did better than I had, and have been there for her more.

Send that text message.

Make that call.

Tell your family and friends you love them.

Don't delay that dinner date, that glass of wine, that short drive to see someone.
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