Losing A Kind Soul

Monday started like a typical Monday - was very hard to get out of bed, the gloomy skies and intermittent rain made it much more favorable to close my eyes and just doze off again. My Mondays are typically mundane, unless I have something urgent or complicated going on at work - I did my usual checking of cases, emails, preparing for my first meeting, then onto the next.

One of the managers, who is usually very composed, requested for assistance for his team. I felt the panic in his voice, not sure if that's what it was, but that's how I perceived it. He then said that he didn't know if we knew yet, but one of our colleagues was missing since Sunday morning. 

We were all in shock, but we hoped for the best. I hoped for the best.

As the title suggests, you may have already guessed, our hopes were futile. My colleague's body was found Monday evening. She went on a solo camp at the Mammoth Caves in Kentucky, and was supposed to stay overnight and come home the following day, Sunday. As of today, there isn't much information that I know of yet other than that there was no signs of foul play or self harm.

I am not an empath.

There, I said it. I am not a self proclaimed empath and oftentimes, I feel like I lack sympathy. I typically don't feel anything when something bad or unfortunate happens to someone else. It's not because I dislike them, or that I don't care. I just don't feel anything. That's my typical response, unless we're talking about animals then it's a completely different story.

But today, I'm very hurt.

I honestly find it very odd - I am hurting. It very much hurts. 

My colleague, my team mate: she was an acquaintance at most. We didn't really talk on a personal level. I don't often work with her, but we've talked several times. I've never met her in person, she's based in Kentucky while I'm here in Polar Wisconsin. While there's really not a lot of connection, I've always felt her kindness. She was always upbeat and helpful, and I've never - not once - ever felt her get irritated or annoyed. Her friends that she works closely with can testify the same, if not better memories of how wonderful she is.

This lady I hardly know touched my heart, and maybe in some way I saw how fast life can be taken away. She was just a few years older than me, and it turns out we joined the company around the same time. I don't know if people will care for me should something similar happen - but that's really the least of my concern. I saw how this affected the people around me. There was a surrounding darkness that lurked. My heart, my heart just really hurt.

Let's live.

Bear hugged me tight, and last night he didn't let go our cuddles for a very long time. Granted, we always cuddle going to sleep and hug until our arms hurt - Bear hugged me tighter and I felt him kiss my head several times. While I'm not putting my best effort in trying to stay alive, doing rather "dangerous" things on top of my clumsiness (e.g. motorcycle crash of 2020) - I'll do my best to stay alive. No guarantees, but will try.

I think this is one of the reasons it hit me hard. My team mate, this wonderful lady, was so young and full of life - kids, family, career. I won't deny it, I'm scared. I've lost quite a few colleagues in the past years, and it does scare me to think that life is more fragile than we actually think.

Give your loved ones a big hug, tell them you love them.
Maybe it's cliche, but it never gets old - because it's true.

Live your life and be happy.
Have no regrets. Ever.
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